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Military Life, Family Dynamics, Faith, Resilience and Adaptability: Lessons from an Air Force Veteran

• Nicole Cater • Season 1 • Episode 9

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Dr. Lena Jackson-Lynch shares her 21-year journey in the United States Air Force and explains how military families develop exceptional adaptability skills that benefit them throughout life. Her research reveals that adolescents in military families gain unique social and emotional intelligence through constant relocation and community-building experiences.

• 21 years of Air Force service across multiple countries and bases
• Navigated single parenthood, divorce, remarriage, and blended family dynamics while serving
• Completed PhD research on how relocation affects adolescents in military families
• Found adaptability emerges as the most crucial skill military children develop
• Military communities naturally create supportive networks that mirror biblical principles
• Communication plans are essential for maintaining family connections during deployments
• Active listening requires full attention, asking open-ended questions, and noticing non-verbal cues
• Military experience provides transferable skills for family life and relationship-building

Connect with Dr. Lena Jackson-Lynch and learn more about her work in family education and professional development.
Website: www.lj2inc.com
Email: lena@lj2inc.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lj2inc/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lj2_inc/

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Speaker 1:

My name is Nicole Cater, your host, founder and servant leader of Graceville Community. I want to thank you for tuning in to Graceville Community Podcast. This is a safe space, a place in which we just share stories of how God has touched individuals' lives all across the world and how they are now impacting the kingdom of God. Thank you for tuning in. Blessings to you, hello, welcome in today. Our Graceville community listeners, we are always so happy to have you as listeners, as viewers, plugged in to our episodes. Today's episode is just like all the others. I am filled with excitement, filled with joy, as we get ready to embark on a great conversation. And so listen. This conversation is one that you may find not to be like most. So I say, grab your notebooks, tune in. I know most of you. Hey, we're podcast listeners, we're diving into dishes and so many other things. If you need to rewind and go back, I encourage you to do so. As always, though, I do want to welcome you to Gracefield community, so I'm going to dive right in because I'm excited. I want to give you all the time.

Speaker 1:

Today we have a special guest. She is the president of LJ2. Incorporated At LJ2, she currently manages two departments family, education and professional development. She helps improve the quality of family and workplace relationships through communication. She offers classes, webinars, groups and events, both conventional and Christian.

Speaker 1:

Dr Jackson Lynch has over 24 years of experience in education, training, professional development and coaching. She is a military veteran, having served 21 years in the United States Air Force. She worked in the federal government for 19 years. Attended Stillman College, graduating with a Bachelor's of Business in Administration degree. Attended Oklahoma University, graduating with a dual master's degree in adult education and human relations, as she graduated from Texas Women's University, respectively receiving her PhD in human development and family studies. Dr Lena Jackson Lynch is a certified family life educator, a prepare-enriched facilitator, host of the Just Talking with Dr Lena podcast and a family life coach. Author of Listen Up, a collaboration book for teens, and written articles, numerous articles for journals. She is involved in a nonprofit organization and a member of Westside Baptist Church in Louisville, texas. She loves traveling, speaking my language, spending time with family and friends. So, graceville community, I'm going to ask you to join me in giving our warm welcome to Dr Lena Jackson Lynch. Hey.

Speaker 2:

Dr Lena. Hey, how are y'all? Glad you're here.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So I'm so glad to have you on our podcast today and to really just give us insight. I mean, just reading your bio there and going through it, I already know, because we've had conversation, the wealth of knowledge that you have. I'm excited for our listeners to tune in and to really tap into all that wisdom and insight that you're going to bring forward today.

Speaker 2:

I am too.

Speaker 1:

Yes, so I just want to start off with, first of all. I mean you've done quite a bit of time of service for our country, so first let me just say thank you. 21 years in the United States Air Force. Can you just take a moment and describe like what was military life for you?

Speaker 2:

Yes, I'm excited about my military life and glad to share it. I served from 1981 to 2002 and loved every minute, from basic training to retirement. I loved traveling in the military and wherever I was stationed I always felt safe and secure overseas and stateside. After basic training, I was sent to Biloxi, mississippi, to study for my first job administrative specialist. While there, I married a civilian and was sent to Whiteman Air Force Base, home of the Stealth Bomber, now known as the Spirit Bomber. And from Missouri, I applied for a special administrative duty and was sent to Detachment 835 Air Force ROTC at University of North Texas in Denton, texas of North Texas in Denton, texas. During my time there, both my kids were born four years apart at what was then called Carswell Air Force Base, fort Worth, texas. Carswell is now known as Naval Air Station Joint Reserve Base in Fort Worth, texas.

Speaker 2:

Now, managing work, daycare, sickness, birthday, school, school holidays, church and more took up much of my time. So shortly after the birth of my second child, I divorced and was sent to Spangalum Air Base, germany, and continued my career. In addition to working, child care, sickness, school, birthday parties, school holidays, church and more, my kids and I had a wonderful time in Germany. Of course there were hardships being a single mom, with schedule juggling, being available for homework, wanting to keep the house clean, which I know is. Many moms thought we want our house clean but we don't have the time. Our life is so busy. It was impossible with young kids and other family issues. We were able to live off base because I wanted my kids to experience having German friends and neighbors. We were also able to live in base housing.

Speaker 2:

As time passed, I remarried while in Germany and learned. Having a blended family also had some issues, but all in all we took the good with the bad and made it work. We traveled Europe as much as we could, going to Spain, iceland, france, greece, italy, luxembourg and other places I can't even remember. While in Germany I was sent stateside for various courses and had a temporary duty in Turkey.

Speaker 2:

After being stationed in Germany, I was sent to Hill Air Force Base, utah, and throughout my military career I not only changed bases but changed jobs, from administrative specialist to administrative technician to professional instructor to deputy inspector general and a few others I don't remember Through it all. I started out single, then married, then divorced, then became a single mom. Then I remarried into a blended family. I divorced again and I cared for a foster child. I then retired. There were obstacles during my time in the military. However, I made the best of it and I also enjoyed my time as an active duty member. Through it all, prayer helped me maintain my sanity and be ready for the next obstacles that came my way.

Speaker 1:

Man, that is so much enrichment in there. I mean there's a whole lot to be said. I mean from blended family to marriage, to divorce. I'm sure the healing that went through that. I mean fostering. There is so much to be said, and I mean the main thing that I just picked up on throughout all of it is just what it may have been like to be a military family, through your travels and through even your accomplishments. And so one of the questions I would want to ask you is like, tell us a little bit about, like the behind the scenes of military families. I know there used to be this show called Army Wise that I absolutely love, but of course it's Hollywood, so who knows how realistic it probably was. So, like I would love to hear from you Tell us just some about military family like behind the scenes.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I have not heard of Army Wife. I don't think I ever watched that show, but I agree with you, it is Hollywood. It might not be exactly correct. My life is different than anybody else's life. You ask another military member, they may have different experiences than I did. So who knows, the Army show might have been spot on.

Speaker 2:

But me, being Air Force, I know nothing about Army. The only thing I know is that we work well together, all the branches of the service. To my knowledge, we need all of them to secure the United States, and that's what I like about being a part of the military. There's so many different branches and we all do such a good job. So let me tell you a little bit about what I went through as a military member with the family. Now, although I was active duty military over 20 years ago, now that I was in the military for 21 years the military for 21 years 20 years ago I got out of the military. I retired. So, even though it was many years ago, looking at the military now, I experienced some of the same issues as families and active duty members experience today. Now I spent time away from my family. I miss birthdays and other special events.

Speaker 2:

One good thing about young kids is that they are forgiving okay. My spouse had difficulty getting a job at times. Although it seemed easy sometimes to get jobs in his field, it may not have been one where we were when we got to that particular base, so we had to wait for a job to come open for him to get one. Now. My children's education mattered a lot to me and I did the best I could to ensure they received a good education. While in Germany, my kids were able to be in a German daycare and they learned the German language because during the day the teachers only spoke German and when they came home they spoke German and I had to go to the school and say I don't understand a thing they're saying. Oh my goodness. But those were good times. We didn't keep it up, and so they lost much of what they learned. Going through divorces and moving, I often felt my family was unstable. Although hard, those times made me stronger and, of course, having prayer always made me stronger. I made friends easily enough Me in my unit and my kids in their school. That is what kept us going. I remember teaching my kids how to start a conversation with a new child, which helped them when meeting someone. New. Kids need to know how to talk to other kids and parents are the ones who teach them how to do that.

Speaker 2:

As I look back, I felt I had some control of my career, but not really. I spent much time in administration. I would have liked to have gotten into contracting. That opportunity never came my way. Opportunity never came my way, although that didn't stop me from moving from my career to another career. I got opportunities to do that. It just wasn't quite the way I wanted it to be. Now I'm thankful that I became a deputy inspector general. I became a professional instructor, so some of the avenues I took I really enjoyed. Now, those were very interesting jobs and I got to be in the Air Force ROTC detachment at UNT. That was the best job of all because I was able to work with young people and help them along the way, help them get ready for the military.

Speaker 2:

There were some difficulties in relocating. I mean, every time you go to a new base the base is much the same, but there are things you go through to get settled. So for the most part I was sent to bases I had on my dream sheet and, I'm sure military people listening know exactly what a dream sheet is. For those who are not military, it is a list of bases that we all got to choose. Each military member could fill out the form and say, oh, I want to go to I can't even remember all the bases, but maybe they want to go to California or they want to go to Hawaii, or they want to go wherever in the United States or overseas. They may want to go to Germany or Iceland or wherever. We put those on a list and we have five. So one of those five. You hope that you get that particular base and for me I normally got one of them. It might have been my last one, it wasn't my top choice, but I got to go to the bases that were mainly on my list. Now in today's world, I'm not sure how that happens, but for me it worked out really well. I understood I would be sent to places where my job was needed and that was the whole thing about going to a particular base. Because some people were their job was not needed in the list on their dream sheet, so they had to go to the base where their job, where there was an opening for that particular job, that skill that they had. So sometimes I should say some things were out of my control and I had to understand that I'm a military member. I raised my right hand to protect and defend. So as things occur, I'm ready to go wherever they sent me Now.

Speaker 2:

The operations tempo, or the op tempo, played a big role in my military life and family. My daily workload was high. I worked hard. I learned quickly that doing more with less was expected Not enough people, not enough equipment, not enough money, etc. But we still had to make things work. My pay was lower than civilians in the same job, oh yes, but the benefits of being in the military for me outweighed the downfalls. I received money for housing, for utilities, for education, and my medical, dental and optical were taken care of. That was more than I had before I joined. The VA is also available now that I'm outside the military. I felt my quality of life was really good in the military.

Speaker 2:

Every base I was sent to was set up much like a city. There is a fire department, there is security police, there is schools, there's libraries, there's churches, there's education offices, there's swimming pools, there's recreation centers and more. The base has a lot to offer, of course base housing and dormitories. It was all there. There's shopping, there's a commissary, there's the BX. All the bases are set to me and they were ready to go. So me and my family enjoyed it all.

Speaker 2:

For me there was some social isolation, but I knew that. The base, I should say I knew what the base offered and I took advantage of it. Even off base. I remember not having my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters or my friends because I had left them behind. Now some of the military members in my unit became uncles and aunts for my kids and I became an aunt for theirs. Now, mental health is always a concern. I wondered about my own as well as my kids. I know, I know and this is kind of teary, I know my kids miss their friends. I know that when we relocated. So I did my best so that my kids and I had everything we could have as far as the military was concerned and I believe my kids turned out okay. Many kids had the same issues that my kids did and they may have had more, but in the long run the military was a wonderful place to be.

Speaker 1:

Wow, I mean I'm listening to you and there's so much is coming to mind. I mean I'm just going to start from, like, the last thing you said. It kind of worked up, but hence we're a Graceville community. We find that we know that community is so important, right, like engaging in community, having a space where you have trust and understanding between, like individuals, and whether that's military community, whether that's a community of people that you've connected with through a church, whether it's a community of people that you connected with in the workplace, like it is important for us to have community. I mean studies and research even show us, tell us, what isolation does to our body. We were not designed to do life alone, and so I want to commend you, not that you know you need my command, but I want to commend you in the sense of like even recognizing the importance of that for your family while being in military I know so many people, whether you're in military or not, for our listeners like we have times where you know we're going to talk about family next, but times where maybe even the blood component of your family is not a healthy space and not a healthy relationship, and so you have to find community and almost like develop family outside. I'm very much like you, dr Lena. There are people that my kids call aunt and uncle, that have no blood relation but have been the connection you know we hear the term like more of like a family right, but they have been that connection, that have been that community. They're the space where trust was built, they improved their morale. They are the village that has helped, built, they improved their morale. They are the village that has helped me, you know, continue forward. And so I love how you bring out that aspect of how important community is.

Speaker 1:

And even when I think about, like the military as a whole, you know, I think about the references that we see of the apostle Paul, and so many times he referenced military because obviously coming from Roman nature and Roman soldiers and so forth.

Speaker 1:

But I mean, if I think about it, I could just start listening out where, like in Philippians, paul talks about being fellow soldiers.

Speaker 1:

In Timothy he talks about the soldiers and describe us having courage and loyalty and dedication, as you would in a military force, in soldiers. Like in Romans, I mean, obviously he talks about warring of the mind, as you would in military right, you know, corinthians. He talks about the victorious aspects of being in the army, and so I want to say I value you coming on today because there's so much insight that military gives. That also coordinates with what we are taught in the sense of the New Testament, biblically even, from Paul and the relation to military, and so I think that in both sense, like it's valued when you are army of God, right like and army, literally an air force and naval and all the forces that serve to keep us safe in a country right and fight for the safe, and that's the same aspect of the army of God and that's why I think the military references it's not nothing's by coincidence, but that definitely is not by coincidence, I agree.

Speaker 2:

I do.

Speaker 1:

Yes, okay. So because of all your wisdom and expertise and the knowledge that you gained over the years, and the education for sure, I do want to lead in to talking a little bit about family. As I just mentioned, I've had my own bouts of family dynamics and learning that that phrase blood is thicker than water is not necessarily the correction of the face. Like the phrase could be changed some yes, yes. And so, knowing that you kind of have this education background in human development and family studies, I'm interested to hear more about, like your research area, what first of all even led you to want to get a PhD in that area, and then more about, like the research and the things that you found while you were studying such such.

Speaker 2:

Okay, as I approached retirement, I knew I needed something else. At least I felt I needed something else, although looking back, I did not need anything else, but I felt I did. Approaching retirement, so I looked at what was available and it appeared family, human development and family studies kept calling my name because it did relate to families. I had military families, I had a blended family, I had a divorced family I had. I went through the gamut of the families. So I'm like you know it might not be bad to learn more about families and that is why I chose it. And I knew I didn't want to just not do anything once I retired. I still wanted to give back, I still wanted to help people. I've been in a helping career most of my life and so even now I am still helping as much as I can in every way that I can. So my research area actually stems from my kids.

Speaker 2:

I did my dissertation on the relocation and how it affects adolescence because at the time now throughout they were born in the military. But as they got older they became adolescents and that time in a child's life is difficult, with puberty and making friends and leaving friends and taking on some responsibility. That's a difficult time to be an adolescent and in the military you know some branches they actually move every two years. Luckily for me, I didn't have to move every two years, but we still moved and I knew that coming in, I knew we would move from or find out. How did relocations affect their adolescents? Now, I could have done my dissertation on any other age range for kids, but I found the adolescent age to be most interesting as far as the changes I saw in them, or the changes I noticed. So, as I continued my research and found participants who who would help me with the questions that I had available to ask them, through those questions and the various research that I was led to do, I learned that being adaptable the kids, being adaptable the kids there were several social skills that the kids showed as they about adaptability was higher than any of the other social skills needed to be adaptable in their future life, not only in their adolescent life.

Speaker 2:

As they move from base to base, they've got to adapt to what's happening around them, what's happening in school, what's happening on the playground, what's happening while you're in church, what activities, what ministries you're involved in. It may not be the same as it was at the previous base and the kids have to adapt. The military kids adapt much more, I believe, than civilian kids, because of the movement, because of the relocating. Now, civilian families relocate, of course, they get a new job and you got to move from Texas to Chicago.

Speaker 2:

You got to take your whole family with you as a civilian, but civilians, I believe, don't move as much as a military family. So because we move so much and because the military member is absent many times, because they have to go to deployments without the family, then the, the, the, the adolescent not having that family member, that it may be the dad, it may be the mom, whoever is not there, and so that adolescent is missing that time of building those relationships with that parent because of the duty that they are assigned to, of the duty that they are assigned to, and they need to adapt to that. As a matter of fact, it's just as I was talking to the parents and getting more information and diving into that research.

Speaker 2:

I didn't know before I started, but I began to agree with being adaptable is the number one skill, or social skill needed in our adolescence. So that's basically what my research area was about.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so you know, I want to make sure that our listeners know exactly, because I tend to assume and I had to I was like wait, adolescence, what age is adolescence like?

Speaker 2:

okay, all right, adolescence begin. Well, there we now. Maybe I would have I should have looked it up before I came but they are actually teens, teenagers. So you can say 12 years old, 12 is not a teen. You know, like nine to 12 would be preteen and then 13 to 19 really would be an adolescent. Now I would stop it at 18, because normally, you know, 19-year-olds may be out of the house, they may have graduated and gone to their life, but nowadays many kids are staying at home, they don't leave home. So it just depends on what they decide to do with their life. But as far as the age range, it's a teenager, that is an adolescent.

Speaker 1:

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Speaker 1:

So, when we were, as we were just discussing, and you were talking about adolescent and being adaptable, when I think about like enlisters those of you that listen we got two different scales right. Some of you are like, okay, yes, I love this. What does the Bible say about this? And some of you are like I have no clue. I've never even heard the word adolescence before, right? And so I want to make sure that we give context to both. Right?

Speaker 1:

When I think about adaptability, the first thing that comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 9, and it starts at verse 19 and goes through verse 23. But essentially, I'm going to read the most popular verse from that passage, and it's Paul. And he says for, though I be free from all men, yet I made myself a servant unto all that I may gain more, and unto the Jews I became a Jew. That is a biblical confirmation of adaptability. Right, paul made himself a slave to everyone. He limited his own rights, his own freedoms, in order to connect with others. Now, he did it in in minds of wanting to be able to be a witness right so that he could connect with all things and be all things to all people so that he could win them to the faith of Christ. That's a form of adaptability all things and be all things to all people so that he could win them to the faith of Christ. That's a form of adaptability I think about.

Speaker 1:

How often is it? You know you can go into one room and we use the term. Now at least my three teens have taught me like read the room. Mom and I read the room, like, but essentially what they're saying is like pay attention to your surroundings and be ready to not conform because we don't conform to the world Right, but be aware and have self-awareness of how your actions are impacting others and how your actions are even impacting yourself.

Speaker 1:

Part of being emotionally healthy is being self-aware, knowing the things that, even the things that maybe are the things of my struggle, the things are my weakness. Paul also talks about being aware of your weakness so that Christ can bring that strength in for you. We have to know, we have to be self-aware. So when I'm reading the room, I need to be aware what is this room like, what is the style of communication like, what is the culture like? I imagine you traveling in military. There's various things that one culture values and another culture does not.

Speaker 1:

There are things that are offensive to certain cultures that may not be offensive to another and so, even in the sense of as we navigate life, that is a key component to be developed and trained, and I love how you talked about how important it is in military families for, during that stage of adolescence, for them to become adaptable and I think it continues to families, military and non-military. It's a skillset that we need in life to be able to adapt and and be aware. Quote unquote. Read the room to our environment, right? Yes, exactly. Be aware. Quote unquote. Read the room to our environment, right?

Speaker 1:

Yes, exactly I know I'm always like read the room, what are they talking, but I learned y'all. I'm learning. These teens are teaching me.

Speaker 2:

No good, good good. It's funny how it reverses life. Life reverses in a family, the kids. You know the phases of life, from birth to death, and through those phases, you know, the mom and dad begin taking care of the child, begin taking care of the child and as the child grows, through uh child of adolescence to a young adult, to adult, to a older adult, and then uh, throughout that, the child, the, the parent is there for the child. But as the parent begins to age and being a senior adult, start out taking care of the child. But as the parents get older, the child begins to take care of the, the parent. It's a wonderful thing. Uh, the phase of life, phases of life yes, yes, oh, the design, it is great.

Speaker 1:

It is great, I um.

Speaker 1:

So we talked about some family education, we talked about some military lifestyle living and, and I'm like y'all, we could take this podcast on forever, because we're not even getting to deep dive, we're just kind of touching the surface.

Speaker 1:

Right, we were preparing and I was just considering, like the things that we would talk about today. I just thought about the levels that communication has to extend when you're in a military family. I mean, I, in my sense, I know of a couple now that there was a conversation of how do you have relationship with the children and the, the. They are a married couple and the husband is now away, he's deployed, and so she's left with these kids and he's like I want my kids to know me when I return two, three years. How do you even maintain communication in that sense? How do you maintain communication in your relationship? I think about communication with extended family. I mean so many ways, and so I just I know we don't have a lot of time, but I would like to get your insight on just tips that you may have or thoughts when it comes to communication for military families that probably will lead into just the skills and communications for us all.

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay, as you were making that statement, I flashed back and looked at how some of the things that we did to stay in contact was done while I was in the military. While I was in the military Now, while I was in, while I was deployed and my kids were not there, the military at that time and I hope they still do it had. They were like little walkie talkie things. Now I could be describing them differently than what they are today, but we all, everyone who wanted to make a call home, there was a certain time and my family knew when and they I would go into the little area where you can speak with your family and it was. It looked like a little walkie talkie thing and they would say press the button and then speak, and then you gotta wait and let your family speak back to you. It was really a long um pause in between waiting for them to hear me, which is what we sometimes see on on newscasts or reporters. They, they talk and you're like why is that other person over there in, in wherever they are, uh, uh, hamas or afghanistan why are they not talking? Because it takes that long for the, the voice, to get over there where they are and for them to hear it. And so I was going through the same thing that I see on TV sometimes, when the reporter is waiting for the other reporter to say something, they're not talking. I'm like that's what I went through. So my kids got a chance to hear me way in Germany and they were back in the States at times and or way in wherever I was. I won't say where I was, um, and they were in in Germany or they were in the states, but that that little technique thing was a way to keep the family together. Now I can't say what they do now. I don't know if that's what they do, but that was one uh thing I I felt was was really, really good for them to hear me. They wanted to hear my voice and I wanted to hear theirs, so it was a real good time just to go through that.

Speaker 2:

Now I do remember also family advocacy. I'm not sure if that still exists on the base. It may have another name, but there were little classes and programs we went through they in one of the classes they gave already pre-made letters and they were like they had some information on and the child got to write in, fill in the blank, and so it was already, you know, kind of ready to go. They just write a little bit on there with the help of an adult, they put in the envelope and it was sent to me. Then I would write back to them on the other side.

Speaker 2:

That was an interesting little activity. They wrote on one side and I wrote on the other side, or they colored on one side and I would reply in some way on the other side. Now, that was just a couple of things that the family advocacy came up with for us. I know that through. Another thing we did was to have a communication plan, and that is for that actually was the best. Where the spouses work out, we'll talk on what day, or you know, I don't know how the texting and the calling.

Speaker 2:

I'm not there. In some top secret areas you just can't do a lot of things. But it has to be planned. So you have a communication plan what day can we talk? And, as I was saying, they made arrangements for us to talk on this little walkie talkie thing to your family. But you got to, you got to arrange it, you know, you got to find out how do I go there, what, what time is available? And with the plan, everybody is ready. The kids are there, the spouses are over issues. You know is a happy time. It's not to settle arguments during this time that I'm explaining. There may be times when you could talk with the individual with the kids not there. So it's all in planning. One call could be the kids are there, the next call the spouses speak together, only with the kids not being there.

Speaker 2:

I felt that the plan, once you sit down and think about it, helps you manage your time, because when the spouse is away, there are issues. There are the grass needs cutting, who's going to cut the grass? Nobody's here to cut the grass. You got to plan some things before you go. You work with your neighbor or you're, and if you're on the base it's easier. If you're in base housing, you and your neighbors get together and you all work out All right. This week I got the grass for the Jacksons. Next week I know what else can I do to help the Jacksons have small kids and they even got a baby. How can we come together and help them? I know the community on base also helps each other and if you're living off base they would probably do the same thing in the unit.

Speaker 2:

When someone is leaving and they know they have a family, the unit members get together back then. The unit members get together back then. I hope they still do that and they recognize whoever has small kids in the family. While the military member is away, somebody could pick up groceries one time or someone could just come by and take the kids to the park. The park is right there on the. I mean the playground. I'm saying park, there's playgrounds all through the base. So you know you just help out where you can help out, and starting the conversation is the first part. Talk to each other before you leave. Sometimes it's quick, you don't have time to talk. You know it's like we got, like I'm leaving tomorrow. Oh, what do?

Speaker 1:

we need to do?

Speaker 2:

What do we need in place? We got to get things in place. You have those things in place before that call comes. You talk about how we're going to handle this before the orders come down, and you got to get on that plane tonight or in the morning. You don't have time to do anything. You got to have it in place. You have a communication plan. Here is how we will communicate. So I hope those were some ideas that were helpful and you understood enough to grab a little bit out of it and help you while you're in the military and help you while you're in the military.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know, as you're giving those insights for military, of course, I'm a civilian, non-military I'm thinking some of these tips. I'm like, oh my goodness, because, without even knowing it, I'm like that's what we do in our home. We have a communication plan, right, like we have a set day of the week that we know the family's going to come together and discuss what needs to be discussed, because there's a reality, is something's going to come up, right, like we're not in a perfect world, so something's going to come up. Decisions are have to be made, communication about rough spaces or even great celebrations, like we want to have a space to communicate that and just the intentionality behind it. I'm like that's a communication plan, like that's kind of what we're doing. Or even communication of like you know, in my case, like Isaiah and I deciding hey, you know, saturday mornings we take an hour to just touch bases. How is everything for the week? What is the plans with the kids? How is this kid doing? What do we need to do with this? Like that is essentially a communication plan.

Speaker 1:

So I actually want to encourage our listeners, like a military, non-military, think about your communication plans. I think even in friendships I have a friend that I've been very communicative with hey in the scope of our world right now, at least every other week, we need to get together, we need to make a standing date that we know hey, we're gonna. I don't care if we just meet at a park and sit and talk to each other and catch up then, but we need to have this plan in place because you'll find that time goes by and you haven't communicated, and so that's one of the. I mean, that is an amazing tip just in life and relationships all together. So thank you for that.

Speaker 2:

You're welcome.

Speaker 1:

Another you know aspect you brought about. You talked about military community and again, obviously, community is near and dear to my heart, and so when you were talking about how like hey, you know the Jacksons, I may cut the grass or they have a small child it just prompted me to look up, like what is the actual definition of community? Right, because I think we say the word and especially around here we say the word so often I mean it's the name of what we do. So when I went to the definition, one meant a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common, and I'm like that is that really is the epitome of community. Whether you're living in the same place or sharing the same experience, you have a characteristic that's in common, that you're relating to. I mean that's why we're not going to go all the way down the scope, but like that's why trauma bonds occur, because you are in the same circumstance and you're bonding together through this circumstance.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I think about even how, as women, we can get together in a space of women and immediately, if somebody just talks about a kid or a childbirth, you're like they're best of best friends, they'd have figured out like, hey, I did this together, I did this. Yeah, this is what I did with the kid. It's this sharing bond from something that you have both experienced and so you know I tend to lean back to. I mean, in all of this I'm like, oh, like man acts, they were on something. And so when I think about like the community, even biblically, like when you think about Acts and where the early Christians and the early church was developed, there was five sources of community that we hold true to here in Graceville community, and one was sharing of resources. So, as you was expressing, I'm like cutting somebody's grass, you're taking your lawnmower, your time and saying, hey, I'm going to share my resource to help you with your need. Right, there was sharing a financial aid. Again, it's a resource. They pause to use their resource. I mean, if you use a lawnmower, that's gas, that's electricity. Right, there was some type of financial component that was being shared. You know prayer and encouragement. I mean the acts that you're doing, the encouraging words.

Speaker 1:

I imagine as military families, there were times that you're missing this individual and having that community around you that can encourage you.

Speaker 1:

You know, the other ways that we've seen it in acts was hospitality, having people over, opening up their homes, engaging with people, giving them the welcoming space.

Speaker 1:

I imagine military, military family there's, like you mentioned, birthday parties, right, like establishing community with those that are in that like characteristic, and then, of course, just the guidance, right. So in acts of a spiritual guidance, you know, in military style, it may have been the guidance of like, hey, I've been through having a spouse deployed or I've been through being away from my kids, let me encourage you, let me give you some guidance, let me give you some tools and tips, like you're doing today. And so I look at that, I'm like it really is and I want to thank you again because your insight today even maybe understand what I see in the bond when you see people that have served in military and the bond that they carry and the um, you know relationships, you hear the term like brotherhood and all these terms and it really gave me insight to what that bond is and where that bond comes from. Um and so thank you, thank you so much for sharing today with us.

Speaker 2:

You're welcome. I was glad to be here, thank you.

Speaker 1:

It is definitely my pillager. I mean I I say it all the time, like we do these podcast recordings and I'm like this was for me, like I'm gaining so much in this and so I really want to just again I send you my gratitude for trusting a space and coming on here and sharing of your experience. I know I need to let you go, but before I let you go, just one last question is for military couples. You talked about being divorced, having a blended family, being married of course, and I imagine it's the worst, even living the life of a single individual in the military Like. What final remarks would you give, as you're like peace to give out to military couples?

Speaker 2:

Well, over the years I have learned that communication is the key to bonding, to connecting, to building relationships and in communication. Just remember, there is a speaker when I am speaking right now. Nicole is listening, so she is the listener, so one of you is speaking. When that person is speaking, listen. You don't talk, you listen, listen. And listening is really actively. It is not just sitting there with your arms crossed waiting for them to finish their thoughts so you can say something. It is actually nodding and agreeing or disagreeing. It is asking questions. The listener has responsibilities and the speaker has responsibilities.

Speaker 2:

Along the way, before I actually understood communication, I mean, there's so many kinds of communication nonverbal You've got to look for the non-verbals. They're telling you something and you're talking so much you can't even see that the person may be crying, like I was earlier, and you're talking, you don't even notice. You in that conversation are not communicating if you're not actually watching, observing the other person. So I will stop there and just say communication is the most important thing that you can do for your partner. Give them your full attention. Ask good questions, not closed-ended questions, not the ones that say how are you today? I'm okay, and they don't say anything else. You've got to ask an open-ended question that begins with what, what did you do today, how was your day and how? We'll also get an oh, it was okay, and then stop talking. You've got to find ways to keep them talking, to build that relationship, and it will make your communication a whole lot better when you can give that attention that the other person needs.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, oh, that's so good. That is so good. I mean even, as you say I was just thinking of, like active listening. When we we do marriage biblical counseling, we have an active listening guide like lean into the questions. You know, there is the component which I laughed and I'm like it's the hardest part, when we tell them you have to listen and you can't say anything and you're not there to give a response. You're there to ask questions, to understand and then just say thank you for sharing.

Speaker 1:

And I mean couples struggle the first two weeks. This is the hardest thing, but I get it because, you know, often as we are having communication, we are already trying to figure out our response and nine times out of 10 is more of a defensive or explanatory response versus a response of I heard you, I support you. I may not agree with you, but I support you, I can hear you, I can validate your emotions without agreeing with them. Right, that's right, that's right. Oh, my goodness, so much goodness. Well, I have truly, truly enjoyed this time together. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for taking time out of your incredibly busy schedule. You guys heard her bio and so even before we started. She was talking about the different sessions and the classes and things I'm like. Whew, thank you for your hour. So thank you, dr Alita, for taking time and joining us on the podcast. I do want to make sure our listeners know how can they make sure to stay in contact with you, find out classes or sessions or resources.

Speaker 2:

What is the best way to be connected to you? I would say the best way is on my website. It is wwwlj2inccom, or Instagram at lj2inccom, and I'll thank anyone who comes to join me in any session.

Speaker 1:

Oh, yes, well, you guys heard it. You can plug in through website Instagram. All of her links that we can possibly find her are below in the show notes, so you can also check out the show notes to find out how you can stay connected to the resources and the wealth of wisdom and knowledge that Dr Lena lends our way. Listeners, I want to thank you for tuning in, viewing in Once again, as always, if you are seeking community, we want to be of service to you. I encourage you to email grow at gracefieldcommunitycom if you're seeking community near you. We have partners globally that we trust and know will be a safe space for you to build community around. You are not meant to do life alone and we don't want to do life without you, so grow at gracefieldcommunitycom. Thanks again for tuning in. May the Lord be with you. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Graceville community podcast. We would like to invite you to visit graceville communitycom.

Speaker 1:

Graceville community is all about doing church the way church of acts did, using five main principles that we see in the book of Acts. Sharing resources, as believers pooled their possessions and resources to support those in need, as we see in Acts 2.44. Through hospitality the early Christians practiced hospitality by opening their homes to others, as we see in Acts 2 and 46. By financial aid the church in Antioch sent financial aid to believers in Judea during a time of famine, as described in Acts 11 and 29. Prayer and encouragement they supported each other through prayer and encouragement, as we see in Acts 4 and 24. And finally, spiritual guidance the apostles and elders provided spiritual guidance and teaching to help strengthen and build the community, as we see in Acts 1530. 1530. I would like to encourage you. If any of those areas are areas in which you are in need or can contribute, please reach out to Graceville Community. We are working together across the world with ministries and individuals alike to help bring back the church of Acts.

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Nicole Cater

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